


Dungeons & Draculoids: 27th Edition

by cryptozoologic



Category: Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys (Album), The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys (Comic)
Genre: Dungeons & Dragons, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 08:44:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11123760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryptozoologic/pseuds/cryptozoologic
Summary: A D&D Session between various Killjoys with Tommy Chow Mein starring as the worst DM in the world.





	1. The First Session

“You can’t name your character Kobra Kid!” 

Kobra slammed his fists down on the table. “Why not?! It’s a good name!” 

“You can’t name your character after yourself,” Tommy explained, sliding the character sheet away from him.

“It totally ruins the element of fantasy, K. It’s a roleplaying game, your character isn’t you,” Jet chimed in, putting his pencil down. 

Tommy scribbled something down into his notebook as Kobra erased aggressively. “Who do we have?” 

“Mine’s a human wizard,” Ghoul answered. “And a beautiful woman. Bob.” 

DJ Hot Chimp smirked at Ghoul, pushing up her sunglasses. “Amanda Hugandkiss: elf, monk, best gal pal of Bob the wizard.” 

Kobra ripped a piece of paper out of a spare notebook, and the Girl sat up on her knees to see what he was doing. 

“I’ve got a… drow bard,” Poison snorted as he squinted at the sheet. “Prince Fondlebottom.”

“What is he the prince of?” Jet asked. 

“Nothing, that’s just his name. Like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.” 

“So is he named after Prince?” 

“Ye Olde Prince.” 

Tommy sighed. “Jet, go.” 

“Alrighty,” Jet adjusted his papers. “Mine is Huxley Bindlebody. He’s a halfling druid.” 

The Girl put her palms on the table, almost standing up in her chair. “I’m Whoop-Ass!” 

Jet chuckled. “She’s my pony companion.” 

“Nuh-uh!” She protested, “Whoop-Ass is a small horsey. Ponies are for wussies. She’s the most beautiful horsey in all the land.” 

Jet rustled her hair and Kobra cleared his throat, sliding a crude drawing of a man with large muscles to the middle of the table. 

“And my character is a dwarf barbarian, with the strength to lift twenty small horseys,” He grinned. “His name, is Snake Child.” 

Tommy sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Whatever, Kobra. Now... are you ready to play?” 

“I was born ready,” Poison said, lighting a cigarette. “Let’s rock and roll.” 

Ghoul giggled. “Ye Olde Rock & Roll.” 

Tommy flipped through his notebook. 

“Your adventurers stand before a great ogre. The dungeon is dark and damp. His back is turned, he doesn’t notice your party, but the smallest movement could gain his attention.” 

“Woah, woah, woah, wait,” Kobra interrupted. “We’re in a dungeon all of a sudden? What’s the backstory? How did all our guys meet?”

“Why are we fighting an ogre for our first encounter?” DJ added. 

Tommy groaned in annoyance. “You’re all hunting for the treasure or whatever. You guys just happened to show up at the same place at the same time. Fighting the ogre together is a form of bonding, something like that. Just go with it.” 

DJ pressed her fingers to her lips, thinking. “Who’s our stealthiest character?” 

Poison thought for a second. “Probably me. Should I try a surprise attack?” 

“Roll for stealth,” Tommy said. 

Poison grabbed his d20, rolling it around in his palms before releasing it onto the table. 9.

“Shit.” 

“What’s your dex modifier?” Jet asked. 

“Fucking 2.” 

Jet repeated after Poison, “Shit… Fuck you, Chow Mein.” He brushed away Poison’s die. 

Tommy Chow Mein smirked. “Prince Fondlebottom steps on a branch. The crack echoes through the room. The ogre slowly turns around.” 

“Prepare for battle!” the Girl called out, slamming her palms on the table as she stood in her chair. 

“Everyone roll for initiative,” Tommy commanded, and watched. “C’mon, what’s everyone got?” 

Ghoul rolled 11. Poison 14. Kobra 4. Jet 11. DJ was the big winner with a whopping score of 17. The Ogre, right after Poison with 12. 

“Hot Chimp goes first,” Jet said, “But what about me and Ghoul?” 

“Well actually,” Ghoul replied, “My dexterity modifier is higher so I go before you.” 

“Can I punch the ogre?” DJ asked, grinning. 

Tommy squinted and grinned evilly. “It’s an ogre. Are you really just gonna punch it?” 

“I’m a monk,” she said, “It’s what we do.”

“Great.” 

DJ moved her figurine, a Ryu action figure, closer to the ogre. She rolled for attack. 

“16! That’s a hit, right?!” 

Tommy rolled his eyes. “You punch the ogre.” 

She fist-pumped. “Yes!” 

“Now roll for damage.” 

She crossed her fingers, rolling the d6, somehow getting a perfect score of, “Six! Hells yeah!” 

Pony was watching over Ghoul’s shoulder. “Nice job, Chimp,” they said. Ghoul jumped. 

“When did you get here?” 

“I thought you boys might like some lemonade.” They set the pitcher of lemonade flavored Kool-Aid on the table, along with cups. “Enjoy.” Pony blew a kiss at Poison before skating out of the room. Party poured himself a glass of lemonade. 

“My turn!” Poison yelled, slamming his glass on the table and picking up all his dice and throwing them. He counted them quickly. “47!” 

Ghoul counted the dice, just to check. “That’s not even right!” 

“Do I win D&D?” Poison asked. 

“That’s not how you play and you know it,” Tommy said. “Clean up your mess.” 

Poison huffed. “Fine. Just havin’ fun… Can I punch the ogre too?” 

“Go ahead,” Tommy said and lit a cigar. Ghoul, unfortunately sitting next to Tommy, coughed. The combination of the smoke and Chow Mein’s B.O. was becoming too much for him to handle. “You know the drill.” 

Poison rolled for attack, hitting, but not doing much damage with his unarmed punch. 

Tommy rubbed his hands together. “My turn…” 

Party raised his eyebrows. “Wait, you get a turn?” 

Tom Chow ignored him. “The ogre hits Amanda with his greatclub.” 

“Uh, doesn’t he have to roll for that?” DJ laughed, leaning back in her chair. 

Tommy picked up the die and shook it around, letting it roll onto the table. As the die clinked against the pitcher of lemonade, the score was clear. 

20.


	2. The Death of a Monk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DJ Hot Chimp quits. The Boys try to figure out who's gonna take her place.

“I fucking died?!” 

“It was a critical hit! That combined with the high damage score was enough to take out all of your HP!” Tommy took the Ryu action figure off the map. 

Hot Chimp was getting fed up with Tommy. “Don’t you have to roll to confirm it?!” 

Ghoul sighed sadly. “No. They brought that back in 7th edition but took it back out in 13th.” 

“You can’t kill off my character on the first encounter!” She stood up. “Come on, Tommy!” 

The Girl whined. “When is it my turn?” 

DJ stood up, knocking her chair over as she did so. “Are you fucking kidding me?! You killed my character on the first goddamn encounter?? On the stupid monster’s first fucking turn???” 

“Game’s a game, Hot Chimp,” Tommy said coolly, setting down his cigar. “Ya either go with it or leave. Roll up another stupid character, ain’t my damn problem.” 

“I’m fed up with your shit, Chow Mein. Only reason I agreed t’play was cuz I thought you were gonna be cool. Guess not. I’m fuckin’ out.” 

The room was quiet as DJ Hot Chimp exited. Ghoul broke the awkward silence with a sigh. “Well, now we’re a player short and fighting a giant ogre. What the fuck’re we supposed to do now?” 

Poison lit a cigarette, rocking his chair on the back of its legs. Jet hummed and looked at Ghoul. 

“Cola,” he said. 

“Cola’s a square,” Kobra responded, crumpling up his drawing. 

The Girl started playing with dice and Poison spoke up, “Cola’s the best we got. ‘Less you guys wanna let Pony play.” 

All three of them interjected simultaneously, “No!” 

Poison pouted and The Girl took her My Little Pony off the map, smashing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, representing the ogre, with it. Everyone stared at each other, silently negotiating.


End file.
